imposter syndrome, otherwise known as, WTF am I doing?
I’ve been asking myself that WTF question a lot lately. Like, A LOT, a lot.
As much as I’m a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of gal, I also like to have a plan. (I know. So mysterious. That, or weird. It’s your label.) I wasn’t always like this; I used to really like having a plan and executing that plan and feeling good about executing that plan. But now, I often wonder whether this weird approach to life has been honed since my husband, Andrew, and I started farming with my in-laws in 2012?
As much as you need to plan as a farmer, you also need to be flexible and go with the flow. Shit happens. Life happens. But you still have crops to plant, cows to milk, and calves to feed.
The thing is, going back to school and becoming a therapist has kind of thrown a bit of a wrench into my life on the farm. Not necessarily in a bad way; I’m just not home nearly as much and so am naturally not in the barn as many hours as I used to be. Although I didn’t anticipate this, it feels a little off for me to be “disconnected” from what’s happening in the barn on a daily basis. In fact, it feels way more than a little off.
It feels downright weird, as if I’m not an active part of the farm because I’m working off the farm for the first time in 10 years; the first time ever, if you’re specific about which farm I’m leaving everyday! And this weirdness, combined with the fact that I’m also a new therapist still very much learning how to, y’know, be a therapist, has led to that amazing feeling we all get at one point or another called…
Imposter Syndrome.
Hello, old friend. Or should I say, damn you.
What IS Imposter Syndrome, Anyway?
For those of you lucky buggers who have no idea what this whole Imposter Syndrome (IS) feeling is, I’ll gladly break it down for you.
In short, imposter syndrome is when you have an intense, often overwhelming feeling of self-doubt concerning how smart/intelligent you are, your skills, and/or your accomplishments when there’s absolutely no credible reason for said doubt. IS is common in high-achieving people but can happen to anyone. Currently, there isn’t an official consensus on the term’s definition, but it has been highly studied; of course (ironically and unironically), it is most prevalent in women and other marginalized groups. Forbes reported 75% of women executives experience IS in the workplace. An internal study by a large tech company found that men will apply to a job when they meet just 60% of the qualifications, whereas women won’t apply unless they meet 100% of the qualifications.
Imposter Syndrome Criteria
Sooo how do you know if it’s IP that’s plaguing you? Even though there’s no formal definition, there are six criteria that might or might not be present in someone with IS:
The imposter cycle
Superheroism
Perfectionism
Atychiphobia (fear of failure)
Denial of competence, and
Achievemephobia
Rather than go through what each of these criteria mean (you can totally Google it), I want to speak to the points that resonated the most with me to see if they resonate with you, too.
Learning about the imposter cycle has been very eye-opening for me. You fall into one of two categories, identifying as either a procrastinator or an over-prepareer. I am absolutely a procrastinator, although I have very much improved this over the last few years (going to grad school probably helped/forced me to do that). As a procrastinator, I often feel like I’m less-than because I’m often rushing to get tasks done, whereas I see other people manage their time effectively and get tasks done with time to spare. (There's a lot of assumption going on with procrastinators.) The kicker is, when a procrastinator does get something done, they only experience a brief feeling of achievement and success—but that feeling isn’t actually internalized. So when you’re faced with your next task, the dang cycle starts all over again.
Woof.
You Can Fear Failure, But Can You Fear Success?
Why yes, my friends. You can fear success! I feel like this one is a little more subconscious (at least, it is for me), but it basically means you’re afraid to succeed because that success may raise already-overwhelming expectations or increase the work you’re already doing to maintain the status quo. Sounds lovely, doesn’t it?
This one resonated with me as a new therapist because, well, as a therapist, expectations are already pretty high. People go to therapy for help and support with the shit that’s going on in their lives, how they feel, their thought patterns, behaviour patterns, etc. Shifting those patterns and figuring that shit out is no small task..
Now, I love my work, don’t get me wrong! I have often said to colleagues and friends that since I started practicing, I have had this feeling that I should have been doing this my whole life. There isn’t a feeling quite like sitting down with a new or existing client and having the privilege of listening to their story and helping them figure their shit out. I truly love what I do.
But it’s kind of a lot of pressure, y’know?
Why Am I Telling You This?
I’m learning that the pressure of being a therapist is okay.
That working in a helping profession IS a lot of work and a lot of pressure. But I don’t exist as a therapist to solve all your problems. In fact, that’s kind of the opposite of what therapy is for.
To me, therapy is about broadening your perspective; it’s about opening up the way you think about yourself, the world around you and the people in it so that maybe, just maybe, you can learn something new about yourself.
In sessions, I talk a lot about pivoting or shifting perspective. My job as your therapist isn’t to make that shift for you but to give you the space, time and information to do it yourself, and only if you want to. If you do experience that shift and learn something new and grow as a human, cool. If you don’t?
Also cool.
This is What I’m Doing
This blog post has taken me a long time to write. I kept telling myself that no one would read it, that the subject wasn’t cool, or that I would sound stupid. In other words, my imposter syndrome was writing this post.
As I’ve continued to plug away at this, however, I’ve come to realize that imposter syndrome might not be something I can control but it IS something I can choose to engage with or not. As much as I can, I choose not. So whether I’m thinking about myself as a therapist or as a farmer, I know that I can choose to engage with the kind of thoughts imposter syndrome brings to the forefront of my mind—or I can choose to let them float on by and keep working at what I’m working at.
Just because I’m not in the barn as much doesn’t make me any less of a farmer. Just because I’m still very much in a learning phase of my therapy career doesn’t make me any less of a therapist.
How will you push back against the cycle of imposter syndrome, perfectionism, or the fear of success or failure?
Shoot me an email, drop me a DM on IG, or comment below.
Let’s be recovering imposters together.
